1. The Tale of the Haunted Murderer
2. Death Follows not the Dead
3. I Died Four Times Too Many
4. Midnight’s Midnight
5. Super Dead
6. Commander Visceral
7. The Clone’s Treasure
8. Princess of Time
9. The Closet into Nowhere
10. The Sewer Wolves
11. Darkly Twisted the Ax
12. Nightmare of the Pirate King
13. Comets!
14. Swiftly Walked the Reaper
15. Castle Oblivion
16. Castle of Oblivion
17. Time Death
18. The Exploding Gravedigger
19. Ant Doctor
20. The Hall of Detective Nobodies
21. Amazonian Robots of the Third Reich
22. Dwarves of the Moon
23. The Red Dog
24. Time takes not the Train
25. Hotel Dismemberment
26. Twenty Four Hours Earlier…from Death!
27. The Rusted Clock
28. The Sunken Cafe
29. Trouble on the Murder Express
30. I Knew Who I Killed
31. Werewolf Zeppelin
32. Mermaid Carnivale
33. Gypsies Followed Me Home
34. Breakfast of the Damned
35. The Cloud of Skulls
36. Lady in Red, Lady in White
37. Dappy Dusseldorf in: The Case of the Hoodwinked Habberdasher
38. The Golden Spider
39. The Macabre Mansion on Murder Mountain
40. Butlers Aplenty
41. Send Flowers to my Mother…I’m Dead
42. The Dead Don’t Dance Like They Used To.
43. GORGOK: SWAMP HUNTER
44. Journey to the Center of the Moon
45. Not Earth…Moon
46. Fire From the Clocktower
47. The Astonishing Amusement Park of Aristotle Armando
48. The Hills Feel No Pain
49. The Dumpster into Yesterday
50. Claws of the Handmaiden!

Dramatis Personae:

Clay, our Hero
Kat, non-impartial observer, wife to Clay
Ticket Crank, an employee, steward of admittance to the Wehrenberg Theater, complete tool
Second Ticket Attendant, a well-mannered employee, a fellow steward.
Couple #2, a young man and woman also attending the theater this evening.
Lords, Gentlemen, Officers, Soldiers, Murderers, Attendants, and Messengers; the Ghost of Banquo, and other Apparitions

Scene: Bloomington, IL, the Galaxy Cine 14. Nighttime.

ACT I SCENE I – The Theater Lobby, wherein our Hero approaches a bay of Fandango Kiosks.

Clay: I say, I believe I will use the auto-mated ticketer to retrieve our tickets for tonight’s performance!

Kat: Yes, let us! I forgot these fine devices were present.

(Clay pushes various sections of the touchscreen. A troubled look appears on his face).

Clay: I find myself befuddled, wife. There is no “Pick Up Ticket” option on the interface! Has this always been the case?

(Couple #2 approaches the neighboring kiosk. They too express discontent and confusion with their kiosk. Clay continues to press buttons on his screen).

Kat: (peering at screen) I do not see it. We have used this device before, have we not?

Clay: Indeed we have used them in the past for ticket retrieval. Let us try again (pushes buttons). Alack, the crux of this infernal device’s operation, to dispense tickets upon evidence of purchase, eludes me this night!

Kat: How unsettling. Let us approach the attendant at the box office window.

(Clay and Kat approach the box office window. They are soon followed by the second couple, who has continued to experience their own difficulties and appear equally displeased. There is a small wait while a crowd slowly gathers).

Ticket Crank: I can help the next person in line over here! (Clay and Kat approach. Ticket Dick switches off his intercom and leaves his post. He returns several beats later).

Clay: Hello, I–

Ticket Crank: (spying the Fandango receipt in Clay’s hand). Give me the credit card you used for purchase, SIR.

Clay: (Caught off guard, fumbles for his card).

Ticket Crank: SIR, your CARD.

(Clay hands the card to the Ticket Crank, who promptly swipes it in his register screen. Two tickets pop out and he hands them to Clay along with his credit card).

Ticket Crank: Here you go, SIR. And just so YOU KNOW, when there is A LINE, please use the KIOSK OVER BY THE DOOR.

Clay: (Visibly unsettled). Yes, about that–

Ticket Dick: HAVE A GOOD DAY SIR.

Clay: Hang on, the machine didn’t–

Ticket Crank: SIR, HAVE A GOOD DAY. ENJOY YOUR SHOW.

Clay: I–

Ticket Crank: SIR.

Clay: (Now visibly angry at this continued treatment) YES THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE YOUR FINE SERVICE THIS EVENING AT THE FABULOUS WEHRENBERG THEATER (Enters theater, Kat follows).

Ticket Crank: WHY THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, SIR.

Second Ticket Attendant: (handing tickets to the second couple) here you guys go. Sorry about the kiosks. Sometimes they aren’t in the right mode. Enjoy your show.

-fin-