A single-minded and fiery diatribe, a smear piece, a small play (in one act). Based on true events.

Dramatis Personae:

Clay, our Hero
Kat, non-impartial observer, wife to Clay
Ticket Dick, an employee, steward of admittance to the Wehrenberg Theater, complete dickhead
Second Ticket Attendant, a well-mannered employee, a fellow steward.
Couple #2, a young man and woman also attending the theater this evening.
Lords, Gentlemen, Officers, Soldiers, Murderers, Attendants, and Messengers; the Ghost of Banquo, and other Apparitions

Scene: Bloomington, IL, the Galaxy Cine 14. Nighttime.

ACT I SCENE I – The Theater Lobby, wherein our Hero approaches a bay of Fandango Kiosks.

Clay: I say, I believe I will use the auto-mated ticketer to retrieve our tickets for tonight’s performance!

Kat: Yes, let us! I forgot these fine devices were present.

(Clay pushes various sections of the touchscreen. A troubled look appears on his face).

Clay: I find myself befuddled, wife. There is no “Pick Up Ticket” option on the interface! Has this always been the case?

(Couple #2 approaches the neighboring kiosk. They too express discontent and confusion with their kiosk. Clay continues to press buttons on his screen).

Kat: (peering at screen) I do not see it. We have used this device before, have we not?

Clay: Indeed we have used them in the past for ticket retrieval. Let us try again (pushes buttons). Alack, the crux of this infernal device’s operation, to dispense tickets upon evidence of purchase, eludes me this night!

Kat: How unsettling. Let us approach the attendant at the box office window.

(Clay and Kat approach the box office window. They are soon followed by the second couple, who has continued to experience their own difficulties and appear equally displeased. There is a small wait while a crowd slowly gathers).

Ticket Dick: I can help the next person in line over here! (Clay and Kat approach. Ticket Dick switches off his intercom and leaves his post. He returns several beats later).

Clay: Hello, I–

Ticket Dick: (spying the Fandango receipt in Clay’s hand). Give me the credit card you used for purchase, SIR.

Clay: (Caught off guard, fumbles for his card).

Ticket Dick: SIR, your CARD.

(Clay hands the card to the Ticket Dick, who promptly swipes it in his register screen. Two tickets pop out and he hands them to Clay along with his credit card).

Ticket Dick: Here you go, SIR. And just so YOU KNOW, when there is A LINE, please use the KIOSK OVER BY THE DOOR.

Clay: (Visibly unsettled). Yes, about that–

Ticket Dick: HAVE A GOOD DAY SIR.

Clay: Hang on, the machine didn’t–

Ticket Dick: SIR, HAVE A GOOD DAY. ENJOY YOUR SHOW.

Clay: I–

Ticket Dick: SIR.

Clay: (Now visibly angry at this continued treatment) YES THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE YOUR FINE SERVICE THIS EVENING AT THE FABULOUS WEHRENBERG THEATER (Enters theater, Kat follows).

Ticket Dick: WHY THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, SIR.

Second Ticket Attendant: (handing tickets to the second couple) here you guys go. Sorry about the kiosks. Sometimes they aren’t in the right mode. Enjoy your show.

-fin-